Disappointment . . . and a Job Well Done

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Disappointing Your Parents

I’ve been contemplating lately the role of disappointment . . . as a parent.

For example, I am sure some of the life choices my wife and I have made undoubtably were disappointments to our parents. Things like turning down jobs (several times) at the college where my parents worked for 51 years. Perhaps choosing to homeschool our six children. Maybe others. Fortunately, we were blessed with parents that have what behavioral health professionals call “good boundaries” —also what we used to call “minding your own business”—and any disappointments they may have felt were not passed on to us. Thank you Mom and Dad on both sides!

Being the Disappointed

Now, the “shoe is on the other foot.” I am the aging parent with adult children. My wife and I, recognizing the “gift” of not being burdened with our parents disappointments,* if any, are careful to not dump our emotional churning on our children. (Note to my children: No, none of you have “been disappointments” to us as parents. We remain, very blessed to have kids making great choices and doing great things with their lives.)

I bring this up to share the following . . . the very fact that your children make choices that disappoint you* may be an indicator that you have actually done a good job as a parent! Your children are independent. They are learning and growing. They are taking on the challenges of life. They make make mistakes, but who doesn’t? Well done.

Remembering Your Boundaries . . . Internally and Externally: An Example

An little aside: I like stories. They are great tutors. Whether great literature, oral history, or a pithy example . . . I used to love “Drama in Real Life” in Reader’s Digest. It was the first thing I read. So, I remember, and tell, stories. They help me understand and grow . . . here’s one of mine to, hopefully, help make the point and make it memorable for you. Incidentally, I asked my kid permission to share this . . . . (yes, I am making a point!)

One of my terrific kids was on the brink of making a decision that could have been tabled a “disappointment.” It started one day when he came to me and said, “Dad, I talked to my boss and he’s okay with my plan to leave the company and go to Denmark for a year.” He was nineteen. Nineteen! He also was a homeschooled kid and had never lived anywhere except in our home. In fact, I don’t know that he had ever been away from us for more than a day or two.

My mind raced . . . “WHAT! YOU TALKED TO YOUR BOSS BEFORE YOU TALKED TO US?” (I don’t know about you, but the voice in my head at these times feels often quite LOUD and worth of all caps!) “DENMARK, THAT”S CRAZY!” (my internal voice isn’t very reasonable either) “I THINK THIS IS ‘CAUSE THAT GIRL DUMPED YOU!” Fortunately, I’ve had a lot of practice and not spewing—as a human volcano—but recognize these as an indicator to “go cautiously.” Outwardly, I focused on asking questions and listening. “Why Denmark?” and “What would you be doing?” finally, “Do you know anyone in Denmark?” I told him, that I loved Europe (true) and enjoyed traveling and studying there as a young man. (also true) Then I basically shut up . . . and waited. For four . . . long, long . . . days.

After those four—did I mention “long?”—days, I broached the subject again. “Can I talk to you about the Denmark thing?” I asked. I reiterated what I had said earlier, essentially, that I loved Europe, thought traveling abroad is a great thing to do as a young person, and that I knew the final choice was his. (Note external boundary here—he was legally an adult.) I also told him that going to Denmark seemed like a big step and that I would like him to consider a smaller step first. I told him that his mother and I travelled, twice, to Europe but that we had each other, and even then we cut our second trip short (after two months) and came home. I reminded him that he had never lived on his own and I suggested some possible smaller steps.

Then . . . what seemed like a miracle . . . my son replied, “Well, I already decided, after we discussed it, that this was a mistake . . . and I should do something smaller. I’ve decided to travel around the Midwest and work on local farms.” (A movement, apparently, called WWOOFing.) My mind, already rejoicing with relief, laughed, thinking “We really didn’t discuss it. I simply let you talk.” I also noted to my surprise, “Wow my kid’s a lot smarter than I give him credit for!” A fact I never would have discovered if I unleashed my fear of being disappointed by the decision.

Boundaries are easy to talk about hard in practice.

Parents as Owners in Family Business . . . Beware!

If you are a family business owner, you need to engage in this same process . . . of separating from and allowing independence. Let the kids learn. Let them make choices. Support but don’t criticize. Turn over control. (No, really!) Become an advisor. Demonstrate good boundaries and an appropriate “distance” within the business. Be ready to step in as a safety net . . . but only with the consent of your kids . . . and not too soon (safety nets do not, after all, leap up to catch a tightrope walker do they?) . . . lest you rob them of the opportunity to overcome a real or perceived threat to the business, learn, and become strong leaders.

* In talking about disappointments, I am referring simply to choices. Choices that you, as a parent, may not agree are the best choices. I am not talking about ignoring potentially catastrophic decisions —such as addiction, criminal behavior, still living in the basement, or other life-altering and threatening choices. Too often, this requires a totally different set of actions . . . and more stringent boundaries as well.

Free Resource: Family Legacy: Protecting family in family business.

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Denial is Often Subtle . . . 3 Types of Denial

“Okay, it sounds like I’m the problem,” the CEO said. I was in a one-on-one meeting reviewing the aggregate results of our in-depth interviews with his leadership team before meeting with the larger group to work on creating action plans to address some issues in the organization. His voice sounded relaxed, matter-of-fact. I didn’t sense any defensiveness. I glanced at his face, no sarcasm, no guilt, no embarrassment. “What do you mean?” I asked, checking to make sure my observations were on point. “It sounds like I haven’t been really listening to the concerns of my senior leadership and I’ve been hanging on, too much, to what has worked in the past.” I felt myself relax. Here was a leader who wasn’t threatened, who was aware of his strengths and weaknesses, and who wouldn’t escape to some form of denial . . . it was a great sign, and an indicator that the consulting relationship had a high probability of making the organization better and, in fact, it proved to be true.

Photo by Akshar Dave on Unsplash

Leaders and Denial

If you were a “fly on the wall” watching my work with families and leaders over the past 30 years, you may have noticed a small, yet significant, pattern. A pattern of subtle . . . denial. Denial is not the same as ignorance—a “lack of knowing.” Instead, denial—in psychological terms— is a “poor coping-strategy” where the person denies what they actually know. Denial is a means of not accepting an uncomfortable truth. It creeps in, camouflaged in “normal speech,” in the smallest terms, in such words as “if, may, should, will, or possible.”

In business conversations you will hear it in statements like these . . .

“We really should talk about it, sometime.” (We are avoiding it.)

“We might be just kicking it down the road.” (You are.)

“I’ve been in business a long time and I know what works!” (I’m not willing to change.)

“If we really have a problem, it could be critical.” (You do, and you know it.)

“What the employees are doing doesn’t make sense.” (Because we don’t want to face the real issue.)

“When problems come up, we address them.” (Without considering why we have problems repetitively.)

“I’m pretty honest about my weaknesses as a leader.” (But employees view them as defensive, inflexible and demanding.)

“I think I do a pretty good job of communicating.” (However, employees don’t risk telling leaders their true thoughts because “no one listens.”)

“Our team is like a family.” (But, don’t ask me their kids names!)

“We know that employees will make mistakes.” (Yet, mistakes are hidden, lied about, or ignored—and are not harnessed to improve the team.)

Avoiding the Uncomfortable

For some, the denial is all about avoiding how they themselves,-or someone they care about,-will feel, in Family Businesses a comment, such as “I don’t want Mom to think we are trying to push her out.” Or “I don’t want it to seem like we don’t appreciate Dad’s vision and sacrifice—we wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for what Dad created,” are common examples. Core values the leader possesses can’t lead them to turn a “blind eye” to problems.

In other, venues it can be “soft-peddling” around key employees whose behavior is problematic. A supervisor with an anger issue. An absent senior executive. An owner who impedes operations due to their need for a sense of crises, or conversely, control . . . or one of a multitude of other presentations of difficult personnel situations.

Contradiction in Terms

At other times, the subtle denial may be seen in contradictory statements. “I love this organization” and “They can’t make me quit!” INo matter how much damage will result!) Or “I trust them to be in charge,” and “but, if they can’t do it right, I’ll have to take over.” (I don’t really trust them!) We want to harness employee’s creativity. (But we punish mistakes.) “This trend will pass.” (But the company made it’s mark by innovating.")

Contradictions are often noticed by other leaders. However, the means to address issues and produce changes often frustrates the best attempts to find a sustainable solution.

The denial, in these conditions, is likely only to get stronger in the face of direct confrontation. The leader simply insists that they are doing what is best for the organization. Yes, they believe it . . . and the opposition merely reinforces this belief. After all, who would go through the “attacks” they are getting if they didn’t love the organization? The contradictions, in a world of denial, make good logical sense. Operationally, they are the prelude to a an emerging crisis, if not a potential disaster.

It’s all too frequent . . . For example, leaders, with a talent for being innovators in their markets, fail to see the need to continue that innovation. Ford, the manufacturing pioneer, insisted that consumers only wanted “basic transportation,” stoped innovating, and allowed competitors (General Motors,etc.) to capture the market; IBM didn’t see the personal computer as the next step in leading the way in the industry it created; Xerox, Blockbuster, Polaroid, Yahoo, J.C. Penny, Sears, Blackberry, My Space, Radio Shack . . . all too frequent!

Forms of Denial

Denial can present in three primary ways:

1. Denying the facts: In this denial the leader argues that the problem, symptoms, behaviors or needs don’t really exist.

2. Minimizing/Rationalizing the problem: In the second type, the facts are acknowledged but there is a denial of the severity of the problem and/or there can be significant rationalization about why the problem exists (usually, not implicating any mistakes on the part of the leadership)

3. Short-sighted Focus: A third type of denial is an unwillingness to acknowledge the long-term consequences of the problems. Similar to the second type of denial, this is “future focused” denial. Seeing the problem as acute, a “phase,” or a fluctuation and not considering the consequences over type of the problems is denial.

Next Post: Denial is Acute . . . in Emotional Systems like Family Business

The forces that can lead to accepting the “smoke scene” of denial are particularly acute inmate “emotional systems” like non-profits, ecumenical organizations and family businesses.

Think of it like this, if you saw some teenager bullying a younger, or smaller, kid you would intervene, wouldn’t you? Calmly, assertively, you would step in, stop the bullying, and take whatever appropriate action was called for. Now . . . what if that kid was your son or daughter? How calm would you be?

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Engaging Your Team: A framework for leading “difficult” people.

Why won't they let go? Fear in the Family Business

The term “death-trap” comes to mind when I see this . . . but maybe that’s just me. Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

A Personal Confession

Rollercoasters evoke fear for me. There, I admitted it. It's not that the action of the rollercoaster—speed, erupt changes in direction or height—cause me fear, they don’t, it's the notion that these mechanical wonders . . . are mechanically complex machines . . . and complex machines . . . break.

Having admitted my fear, now, maybe, you will understand why the idea of “having a good time,” in my world, does not involve strapping myself to one of these mechanical devices; indeed, it would take just the right motivation (force?) to get me to risk of becoming a passenger. You may also, having realized the basis of my fear, be able to reason with me that my fear is irrational, and perhaps even in a way that gets me to reconsider my fear. After all, I do fly on airplanes. Oh, and yes, I have ridden rollercoasters in the past.

But, in the future? Probably not. For me a rollercoaster ride it is a waste of time and money. There is no “up-side” for me. I don’t get a thrill from riding. There is no “fun.” I’m long past the age of doing something I don’t like just to prove to others—or myself—that I’m not afraid. The motivator is going to have to be pretty good to get me to change.

Fear . . . and Holding on

If you got me on a rollercoaster and you were an astute observer, you might notice my discomfort. Nervous conversation, keen observation of the attendant locking the bar . . . subtle clues to my fear. Fear makes us want to “hold on” to what ever object seems to promise to save us from the feared outcome. A child will clutch to the seat or the safety bar or the parent,. an adult may simply hold on nonchalantly as possible but give away their fear when they “stiffen” with anxiety as the car moves over the course.

This fear and the natural tendency to “hold on”, reminds me of struggles I see in leadership transitions and particularly in Family Businesses—where the senior generation is holding on to the business and the younger generation is anxious to take over the controls.

So let's talk about the pertinent question from the younger generation's point of view . . . 

Why won't they let go?  

Ever had to "take the keys away" from an aging parent? Not so easy. For my family it was prompted by a few minor “accidents” over the course of one year followed by our local mechanic telling us that he intervened when one of my parents left the vehicle “in gear” and “bouncing against the concrete barrier” at a local store. He opened the car door, stepped on the brake, and put the car in “park.” Obviously, it was time.

So, why won't they give those keys up? Especially given all the alternatives for transportation? Family members reassure them that they will be taken wherever they want to go. There are offers to pay for assistance. Uber, Lyft, and other services are readily available in some cases. Still, they don’t want to hand over the keys.

Once the transition is accomplished—voluntarily or not—the senior often complains, repeatedly, about the inconvenience of not having their independent transportation and may have to be reminded about the reasons the keys were handed over . . . repeatedly. But, too often this difficult transition is made even more difficult because we think this should be a simple transition based on a logical analysis of the risks, right? Well, for many, it’s not.

Photo by Laura Gariglio on Unsplash

It's a funny thing about humans . . . “Keys aren't just keys.” Those keys represent much more. The senior may see them as “my independence, my freedom, my way of not feeling like a burden to others, my way of helping” . . . there are deep emotional ties that make what seems like a simple exchange, become a complex path to navigate. John Gottman, a researcher at the University of Washington, coined the phrase “dreams within conflict” to describe how, at the root of conflict, there often is a dream that is being unrealized or threatened. Not realizing the threat to that dream makes the senior’s resistance irrational—and invites unfavorable judgements of “stubbornness, controlling, emotional, etc.”

For my mom, as an example, I think that giving up the keys meant that she would worry about being a “burden” to others—anathema to her self-sacrificing consideration of others—in depending on them for rides.

Turning over a business

Why won't the parent’s let go?  After more than two decades working intimately with families, I can sum it up in a word: Fear. (Leaders of all stripes are, too often, Managing by Fear . . . and family firms are no different. In fact, “close-systems”—such as family business where there are more emotional ties—are more likely to be affected by management by fear at critical points during their development!)

What fear? Fear that . . . 

• the change/transition will make things worse

• the transition will place a burden on their children

• their own value and self-worth will be lost

• spending more time with intimate relationships will make life more difficult

• the business itself will struggle or fail

• their departure as a leader will, some how, harm the family

• fear that leaving will expose some personal weaknesses

One of the barriers to moving beyond this transition point, is that people are not very insightful about what is motivating their family member’s actions. The aging parent may think, "They are making too big a deal about this!" or "They just want my car!" . . . and their defensiveness, often becomes the excuse to redirect themselves from their own fear. The children do the same. “They won’t ever let go!” or “They want to keep control!” hides fears of not being trusted, anxieties about performance, and other issues. But back to the parents . . .

Find the Dream . . . and Address the Fear

Tied to each of these “fears” is a dream. The senior’s dreams that the change will not make things worse for the family, the employees, or the business. That there will still be a valuable role that the parent can occupy within the family or children’s lives. That family relationships will improve or at least not be damaged in the transition. That the business will continue to grow and succeed.

Helping the parent with the transition includes a couple of important steps.

First, they may need help in recognizing and stating their underlying dreams—taking care to both acknowledge the ones tied to the business role and not neglecting dreams that are not connected to the business**—and recognizing that there may be inherent conflicts within the dreams. For example, the senior may want to travel more, have less stress or responsibility and at the same time want to be present to make sure the burden on the younger generation is not too great to handle.

Second, they may need a well-defined process of addressing the fears and supporting movement toward making risk/reward decisions . . . normalizing and challenging the fears—that can help them get “unstuck” and make the transition move forward.

This is not an easy process. Often, it takes time, careful persistence to address the issues. Trust building (yes, even between parents and children!) and the slow process of addressing, and lowering, fears so that changes can proceed naturally. At times, families simply can’t, won’t, or will want to decrease the risks of a negative outcome by engaging an outside entity to guide the process.

However it gets approached, trying to force someone to get past their fears (i.e.: Fear Factor style) is fraught with risks. There is no doubt that it can make things change, if successful, but too often it will heighten fears, create more resistance, and worst of all, create a traumatic event that may harm the relationships necessary to make a transition good for everyone.

**Often the younger generation will over emphasize the dreams not tied to the business as a means to leverage change. This often backfires. The senior sees this as the younger generation trying to “force them out” or manipulate because the dreams and fears tied to the business are minimized instead of being addressed.

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Consultant, stay "in bounds!"

"Everyone can bake a pie; but there's just something special about Grandma's pies." -- My 12 year old son (talking about the hand-made, full butter-and-lard, rhubarb-cherry pie in front of him) Photo by Jennifer Pallian on Unsplash

"Everyone can bake a pie; but there's just something special about Grandma's pies." -- My 12 year old son (talking about the hand-made, full butter-and-lard, rhubarb-cherry pie in front of him)

A Painful Reminder

I recently was reminded of a football game I saw years ago. One team was ahead. They had the ball. There were only a few seconds left. The quarterback completed a pass into the "flats" to his running back. The running back didn't need to make a first down. He didn't nee to make any yards at all. The point simply was to run the clock so that the opposing team would have little or no time left to make a comeback. The game was ostensibly already won.  Or so, conventional wisdom would have said. 

The pass was a bit of a surprise. If it was dropped the clock would stop.  But it seemed to work. The pass was "on the mark," the running back caught the ball, no harm was done.  Still, if they had run the ball the clock would have run for sure. There would be no danger of an incompletion and the clock stopping. But by passing it, they caught the defense off guard and there was a chance of a first down which would have given them the opportunity to not give the ball back at all to the other team.  But if they ran the clock, and punted, the other team would have had time to try and win albeit by a very low probability "hail mary" from 80-plus yards away..

What happened next was a classic example  of "not having your head in the game."  The running back caught the ball and went out of bounds! What was he thinking?  Maybe trying to get that first down. Maybe thinking the game was over no matter what happened.  Who knows?  The results were devastating.  The clock stopped. The team punted-leaving more time on the clock then they would have if they had "played it safe" and run the ball.  The opposing quarterback had enough time to drive the ball down the field and kick the game-winning field goal. 

The Memory: Consultant Out of Bounds

What reminded me of this game?  Well, I heard a heart-breaking consulting story that is all too common.  An organization hired a consultant to help them raise money.  In the process of interviewing possible contributors the consultant (according to the opinion of my source) discovered other issues (no doubt interfering with the fund raising) in the organization. The consultant, evidently, with the support of the leadership team, switched from "fund raising expert" to organizational behavioral expert. The results, again in the opinion of my contact, was to catalogue the problems and deliver it in a final report--essentially, according to my source, dropping a "bomb shell" into the leadership by outlining the problems without a plan to resolve them and ending the consulting contract.

The result?  Strained relationships, demotivation, institutional stagnation, resignations . . . and a loss of time carrying out and growing the organization's mission.  It is an all too frequent story. Consultants need to know what they are good at doing and when to refer to other consultants. I have no doubt that the consultant was trying to help.  But as the story was told to me, he simply made mistakes that someone with an understanding of human systems would not typically make. (Incidentally, sometimes an organization's leadership, affects the same type of "bomb effect" when they have the right type of consultant but do not commit to follow through with implementing the plan . . . but that's a topic for another post).

It's About the Scope of Expertise

In my "Consulting with Larger Systems" graduate course, I asked students to consider this . . . if an organization hired me (a "people guy") and started asking me questions about accounting or legal issues . . . and if I tried to advise them on those matters . . . then I would undoubtably at some point make just as monumental of an error as this consultant. My point was that no one should take on a role that their expertise does not suit them to fill. To be blunt, this puts one in the position of making mistakes that even a new professionals in those specialty areas would catch.  It's not about a lack of value. Rather it is about education, training, and experience.

I used this to try and help these students understand the value they bring to organizations. As is often the case, these talented young people, who were gifted in understanding people, devalued their abilities. The relegate ease with which they applied their talents tended to obscure the fact that most do not have this ability in the same measure. They also tended--despite being doctoral students--to downplay their experience and the preparation the education, training, knowledge, and practice gave them for working within larger human systems.

So, iff you are a leader, hire consultants with expertise in the areas you need addressed and don't let scope creep change that focus. If the issues are within the human systems then do not hire consultants that are not experts in human systems and ask them to help you fix your people problems.  It's a shot in the dark. They may have no more competence than your supervisors, managers, and leaders in the organization.

Yes, trusting the consultant is important. However, just because you trust a "people person" -- you wouldn't ask them to provide legal consultation if they had only a casual relationship with legal studies. Yet, very often leaders do exactly that, they ask business experts, legal experts, marketing experts and others what they should do regarding their human behavioral issues--and the results are often ineffective or worse. 

And if you are a consultant,  with a specialty in some other area, find partners with complementary expertise, to whom you can refer, to help organizations reach their peak performance. To do other than this hurts everyone . . . including the profession of consulting.

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Family Legacy: Protecting family in family business.

9 Common lies . . . Family Business Founders Tell Themselves

9 Common lies . . . Family Business Founders Tell Themselves

1. Family members will appreciate the opportunities the family business provides.

2. We can keep the business separate from the family.

3. Our sacrifices demand loyalty . . . to the business.

4. I built it, they should follow my lead.

5. Lack of conflict is a sign the family is doing well.

6. Our family can avoid misunderstandings and hurt relationships.

7. Planning for succession means we don't need to think about "exit plans" or winding down the business.

8. You can't leave the family, but leaving the business is a simple process.

9. You don't tell yourself lies about the family business.

Family Legacy: Protecting family in family business.

Family Business: The family "code" and tips on creating a "code of conduct" policy.

Pirate ship? Photo by Igor Ovsyannykov on Unsplash

Family Business: The “family code" . . . and Tips on creating a "Code of Conduct" policy.

". . . the code is more what you'd call 'guidelines' than actual rules." Captain Hector Barbossa, to Elizabeth Swann who tries to invoke the rules to her purposes. Pirates of the Caribbean

"So, what'll happen next?" I asked the daughter of the owners.

"Mom and Dad won't talk to us. There will be no invitations to their house. They won't come to a few of our kids events. They may not see it this way, maybe they just feel hurt, but it will feel like they're punishing us."

"How does it end?" I asked.

"Oh, after a couple of months they'll call about some issue. They'll pretend that nothing ever happened. But everyone knows it's just a matter of time till it happens again. It's a pattern. I guess it's 'just what we do.'"

The Code is the Code. It’s often “unwritten” . . . but powerful.

This family has a code of conduct. It is unwritten, not “discussable,” but clearly set by patterns of interactions over years. It has not, at least yet, undermined the family itself, but has a powerful impact on the family, the interpersonal relationships, and also on the family business. Employees feel it. They know when the family is avoiding one another. They know what issues not to bring up.

Families have different styles of communication and approaches to conflict resolution. Most styles are stable--but not necessarily conducive to growth--a few styles are not stable or sustainable. These patterns of family communication and conflict management are, most often, instinctual and learned--not structured, planned or chosen. Families do what "feels right," carry on the patterns they experienced in their own families, or react against what they experienced--trying to do something different. The results are often mixed.

The Psychology Behind the Code?

While most manage to "put things behind them" for the sake of the family  Few people are aware of the psychology that influences their actions--yet, their family members may be keenly aware of the effects. Fear of rejection or failure? Nope. Afraid of isolation or lack of inclusion? No way. Unrealistic expectations or too much self-sacrificing? Not a problem. Ego tied up in being "in charge" and in control? No, just driven to succeed. But the effects are real and, again, they are often keenly felt within the family dynamics.

Helping the Family: Creating a Written Family Code

One small, proactive, step family businesses can take to minimize some of the risk to family members is to make expectations concrete. The process or discussing, writing, and adopting, a family "Code of Conduct" brings to surface the "best intentions" of the family, creates an "expected minimum" for family members, and establishes a structure for the family to return to when issues arise. It provides the extra benefits of modeling good leadership and can help you deal with difficult family members as well (not that you have any in your family!)

Why many will avoid creating a Family Code of Conduct.

One of the biggest hurdles to getting families to write a code of conduct is the belief that "things are fine the way they are." Maybe. But too often this "status quo option" is the view of one or two family members, not the thinking of family itself, nor in their best interests. It can be a denial of the "unwritten" code of conduct that already exists--"Everyone better do what Dad tells them to do," for example, and resistance to a transparent move toward change and growth.

A second reason it is avoided is the fear that it will surface some to the underlying tensions or problems in the family. Often there is an unspoken agreement to "let sleeping dogs lie"--fearing that approaching the issues will make things worse. Well, the truth is it can. Families with underlying tensions, often experience more tension, and even conflict in the short-term; some are even harmed in the process as they try to address issues on their own or even with consultants poorly prepared to use skills, training, resources, or knowledge to help the families successfully circumnavigate the potential dangers. 

However, for families that can effectively function, even through difficult and stressful circumstances, the discussion and adoption of written policies of family conduct is often very  helpful in promoting communication, decision making, and avoiding future conflict.

What to Include?

What should be included? That depends. The developmental stage of the family business will greatly impact what is addressed in this policy.

The needs of the "one controlling partnership" of a "Mom and Pop" just starting to incorporate their second generation into the business is dramatically different that the "cousin consortium" that encloses a complex group of families, owners, and business involvement within the family.

However a few key points are helpful to keep in mind.

First, you need to establish the purpose or goal of the policy. Why are we creating this? It should address a general philosophy of the family's view of the business and language about the importance of the family, the business, and the separation of work and family

Second, you need to establish who this policy is for and consequently what should be addressed. If you are staring to think about adding the kids to the business it might only need to address employment, professional development, loans, remuneration, and other basics.  If it is addressing a large complex family it might need to address the issues already noted but also expanded to address other topics such as the use of the family office, stock ownership, or many other issues as well.

Third, like it or not, the code of conduct has to address the issue of "what happens" if someone breaks the code. How will issues be addressed? Who will be included in trying to remedy any issues? Who will have the final "say" about actions taken?

Newer family businesses are less likely to feel the "need" for a written policy. However, by ignoring this, they only "kick the can down the road" and miss out on an opportunity to learn and grow, so that, later they have knowledge and experience to address more complex issues. So, don't delay! Protect your family proactively and don't fall victim to crisis planning at a time when the pressure will make it more difficult and potentially less successful.

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Family or Business? Ten Tips for Preserving the value of the family firm.

The Chicken or the Egg?

If you are in a leadership position in a family firm then you face the dilemma of, “which comes first the family or the business?”  But,“Wait a minute! You can’t just arbitrarily separate the two.  It’s not as simple as just asking yourself, “Which comes first?”  Okay, you’re right.  This dichotomy is a distortion . . . that’s true. But not asking this question can lead some family owners to poor management practices such as management by fear, over-committing to work, and to the demise of the family.  Later, I’ll share 10 tips to help you preserve the value of your family business, a task that is indicative of understanding the integration of the family and business. . . . .

But first, consider this . . .  If I audited your business, which part would I find gets the most attention and resources--including cash--spent on it?  Which domain has the largest share of advisers?  I just recently attended a social for family businesses where one owner indicated that they were about to have their "first ever" family meeting to plan for the future. "First ever!" for a large on-going firm with multiple family generations working in it.  This, unfortunately, is the norm not the exception.

Now ask yourself, this, "Which part of the family-business world gives you the most worries? " Are the biggest worries the business decisions you face? Or, are the biggest concerns for the family and the impact the business will have, good or bad, on the individual members and the family relationships? Family-based businesses that thrive find ways to preserve the value of both the family (including ownership) and the business. 

But many family leaders don’t pay adequate attention to the family dynamics and as a result the family suffers from unresolved conflict, damaged relationships, or all out family war.

I have seen it happen in so many ways . . .

• brothers who can’t get along, each trying to one-up each other and prove their value to the firm; 
• sons who feel entitled to taking over the firm and having a guaranteed career only to have that taken away (and then regretting not pursuing other careers;
• daughters who can’t move on due to the loyalty and needs of the parents;
• in-laws at conflict with their spouse’s family, each suffers from the grind of working, playing, and fighting together on a daily basis;
• parents who have given control over to partners to hold for their minor children only to find the partners and children at war over control of the company;
• husbands and wives at odds over a looming family crisis and how it should be handled. 

No mixing family and business is not easy. The very closeness and complex relationships that can be its strongest asset make family firms much more emotional environments than traditional organizations.

Still, family businesses are the most common type of businesses world wide. Many labor toward common goals, dealing with the family baggage well enough to survive . . . but living in the heightened emotional crucible of family-business tension. Others face transitional points (children entering the business or passing the baton) but have no road map for how to successfully deal with that transition. Yet many family firm leaders will tell me that the family is the business’s greatest asset.

Preserving the Family Business

So how do you preserve the value of the family business?  By taking the task of growing the “family assets” as seriously as you value the “business assets” of the company.  Here are ten ideas on how do accomplish it:

1. Develop a family constitution, mission statement, white paper, or some other guiding document for your family.  When my Dad died a few years ago (after working in one organization for fifty-one years!) I found a list of goals he had set for himself early on in his career.  It was remarkable how many of those goals had been met!  We shared it with the President ofthe organization and he shared it at the funeral. It was interesting to me that not all of the goals were business goals, some were personal goals and others familial. It became clear how he had stayed in a leadership position for over five decades…
2. Have regularly scheduled times (family board meetings) to focus on the family aspects of the family business.
3. Develop a strategic plan for the families’ growth.
4. Deal with baggage that is threatening the family and/or business quickly.
5. Identify and use family advisers.  No not your accountant, lawyer, or banker. I’m sure they are all competent professionals.  But there competence lies in accounting, the law, and banking.  Not families. Look for a family therapist (who understands business), a family-firm consultant, or another type of mental health professional.
6. Develop a clear understanding of the risks associated with each developmental stage of the family business.
7. Create a family “balance sheet” of the pros and cons of the family-business interaction and examine in annually.
8. Find ways to clearly distinguish “family time” from “work time.”
9. Proactively market the family business to family members.
10. Demonstrate the ability to be transparent, vulnerable, and forgiving.

If you own or work in/with a family based business, what has been the single best thing you have done to preserve the value of the family business?

For more on preserving your family business, enter your email and download our free eBook, or if you'd prefer, purchase it at Gumroad.

Family Business Infographic

Family Business Infographic

Are you a family business owner or family member? Maybe just curious about family firms? Or maybe you work with these complex systems . . . check out our infographic on family firms!

Family Legacy Ebook

Feel free to also get a copy of our eBook: Family Legacy: Protecting family in family business. You can purchase it at Gumroad or get it free when you subscribe to our email list. You can, of course, unsubscribe at any time and your email will never be shared.

Prairie Family Business Association Social

We are members of the Prairie Family Business Association (PFBA) and we are helping to host a Members and Potential Members Social in Omaha on September 7th, 2017 from 4-6 pm. So come check out all that the PFBA offers, meet some other FB owners, and enjoy some refreshments. 

If you have read the infographic (above) or other information on family businesses you will know why we as a family firm promote and encourage others in the Midwest to check out the PFBA.

You can also check out the PFBA article about . . . Us!

Have a great week and I hope to meet some of you on September 7th!

Bryan

Parents and Kids: Don't make it easy! Especially if you own your own business.

A knife, the right one, can be a useful tool.  Photo Credit: Juan Jose Alonso at Unsplash.

Warren Buffet, the "Oracle of Omaha," has started giving away his wealth . . . and it's not to his kids. He gets it.

I needed to run into the "big box store" for one thing. My son, courageously, volunteered to stay behind an take care of our dog. "Courageously" I say because I knew what was on his mind. The same thing that had been on his mind for the last week or more. The knife. "Maybe you could stop and look at the knife?" he cautiously asked . . . . I steeled myself, knowing this was not the time to be generous and give in. It was too important . . . for my son.

Recently, my 11 year old set his sights on buying a knife. His hope, a big-bowie knife. Now, some of you might be thinking . . . uh, no! Given the immature nature of many young boys, the culture of as presented in the main-stream media, parental anxieties, and the potential for "unintended outcomes" we, of course, worked to establish a more reasonable alternative.

That does not mean, in this instance, that our automatic answer is, "No knife." Since we have a very active average--complete with chicken coop, high tunnel, three garden spots and all the accompanying minutia of hey bales, tractors, tomato cages and the like--a knife is a practical tool that a "chore=laden" (at least in his eyes) boy could find useful. Not to mention his parents. Besides, we live in the heart of the farming community where 14 years olds drive farm equipment and help with the harvest. Really. It's not that weird for youngsters to carry a knife, at least, around the farm. (I have had to tell a few young lads that they cannot bring them to social events to show their friends however.)

So, yes, the knife is still in discussion. After all, this isn't my first time around at this. We have six children (four of which are boys) and I regularly counted on the other boys help in working around "the place." "Hey, do you have your knife on you?" was  not an uncommon question, especially,  if I didn't have mine on me at the time.

But, the discussion about the knife is always about responsibility. "Do you think you are old enough to be responsible with a knife?" I'll ask, putting the necessity of this requirement to their mind. This youngster, in my assessment, is on the verge of consistently acting responsible enough . . . but not quite. So, I had a talk with him about his lack of consistency--giving his mother a hard time about chores, being upset that she didn't buy him the knife when he expected it, his general attitude and treatment of others.

"I can't give a knife to someone until I know they are going to be responsible," I told him. "i see you becoming more and more responsible but you need to do it in all areas if you want to be trusted with something like a knife.  Your mother and I look forward to when you are responsible enough to have a tool like a knife." I concluded.

I was practicing the age old rule of "not making it easy." It's advice I give to parents in general and especially to parents who have done well--many who own family businesses. Oh I know the sad truth that there are parents out there that are mean, withholding, even abusive to their children--those parents need a different rule called "be kind"--but I think the majority are more in danger of wanting to do too much for our children. Thus, we rob them of learning early on how to handle disappointment, frustration, and to reinforce the satisfaction of turning their hard work, and patience into meeting their needs and wants.

This does not preclude another of my parent rules, "Say 'Yes" as much as you can." You see, as I said earlier, our answer is NOT just "No." In fact, the answer to the knife is "Yes, when you're ready." The same foes for getting a car in a few short years. When you are mature enough, have earned the money to pay for it, and grateful for the privilege of owning it.

Parents who are owners of their own businesses run into an even greater danger of making it too easy. Saying "Here, son/daughter, "here are some opportunities, assets, cash, etc." may make good business sense. it may help pass down your assets, make create tax write-offs, and may just tempt you to want to be kind to your children. But, just like staking a tree too soon for fear that it will break, staking it before it has strengthened itself against the wind and other elements, only weakens it and makes it likely to fail when it is grown and it's weakened condition is overcome by the weight and stresses placed on it as an "adult."  Like the tree, these "coddled," advantaged, children may not develop the internal strength to weather the storms of life.

"I'll look at it," I responded to my son, "But don't expect me to be coming back with it," I warned. "I know," he said. I watched as determination and courage followed the initial disappointment. Inwardly, I winced, my heart grieving for the kid and the disappointment he felt. My thoughts moving to the pride I felt however  in seeing him work to be the mature young man he can be, and reminiscing about the joy of watching my other boys become men.

The funny thing, which I knew would happen (remember it's not my first "rodeo"), is that his general mood has been better. Saying "no, for now" has actually released him of the pent-up pressure of "wanting."  He's more pleasant, more helpful, just happier. The good thing is, it's no longer just about trying to manipulate me into getting the knife either. It's real. That afternoon, he voluntarily, sauntered out and helped me replace the wheel on his sister's car and he enjoyed helping. It's progress.

I'm still going to try and talk him into a more reasonable knife--not one that is "flashy" and "mammoth" into one that will be more useful. But the type of knife is not the biggest concern. No, my danger, as a parent is . . . I'm already wondering--now that he showed some mature fortitude--how soon I can take him to buy a knife. Yes, I'm my own worst enemy. I may have to "practice what I preach" and exercise a little frustration tolerance.

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Estranged family member? Tips for reclamation . . . or preventing family erosion.

Oiler Rahman: Unsplash

He got right to the point. "Everyone has already 'lawyered-up' and no one, but me, has talked to my older brother in over four years." The brother had called me at the recommendation of his counselor. "I feel like this has torn the family apart. Once this is over, I don't know if any of us will ever see him again."  It was a story I'd heard before and a story that is far too common. The comment was made by a man who was facing a legal fight with his siblings over the family business assets and fearing that the separation with his older brother would become a permanent chasm within the family.

So, it got me to thinking, what tips would I give to families with an estranged family member after more than 25 years of working with families? What works? What doesn't work? What are some of the common mistakes? No that's too much. How about just some basic tips. Yes, that might be helpful . . . more  on those tips in a moment . . . .

There are few things more painful than being estranged from family members. Families in business are certainly not immune--and may even be at higher risk--due to the proximity and engagement often demanded in a family business.

Once a separation begins, it can be very hard to mend the family "fabric" or even to stop the expansion of the separation that can threaten the integrity of the family and perhaps the business.

Who do family members call when they recognize a weakness or rip has started? Generally, no one. In my experience, efforts will be undertaken by the family itself without any outside help . . . if they do seek help it often is not until the pain of the problems get worse--much worse. Generally the divisions go back 5-7 years (or more) before help is sought. It is at that point, often when the family, business, or both, are facing a crisis that family members begin to talk to their advisors.

Who do they talk to?  Whom ever they trust. Often friends, lawyers, accountants, bankers, business consultants . . . But . . . if the problem is really a family issue, who should they talk to? Probably someone with extensive experience with family systems. Unfortunately, that generally means going to "see a shrink" but many won't go because "they''re not crazy" and sadly, if they do go, many mental health professionals will treat this like any other referral for depression, anxiety, etc. It's not their faulty, it's what the medical model has encouraged and the insurance companies will allow.

What I mean by the "medical model" and "insurance" comments is that what families need (extensive interviewing, development of a plan of action, perhaps a family retreat or other "non-medical" interventions) are not part of the typical outpatient practice nor are they items that can be billed to insurance. Therefore, few professionals are aware of, or have any experience with, helping extended family systems--particularly with the complexities of a family in business together.

So, given the fact that most will not seek help until the problem has reached a crisis, and even then, many do not get adequate help . . . let's offer a few tips for family members based on 25-plus years of working with families . . . 

1. You can't force someone-even a relative-to have a relationship with you. You can make it easier or harder for them to connect with you, get through difficult periods, or take the risk of reconnecting after a loss of trust..

2. Okay, in some cases you can force people. But it's not a sign of a healthy or sustainable relationship. This forced relationship is called by many names . . . control, domestic violence, or abuse. Once the person finds the courage to escape from this forced relationship they are not likely to willingly return. (However, this leaving may take years and repeated approximations of leaving before a final "break.")

3. The core problem that leads to a separation is typically between two people. It can of course spread to become an "all out war"--think of the Hatfields and McCoys. Keep it, to the best of your ability, between the two people. We call this being a "good bystander" to conflict. Hold each person accountable for their actions. Don't take sides. Refuse to be drawn into the "blame game." See the problem as a problem not as a defect in one or the other.

4. What I mean in #3 is that if you see the conflict in terms of "right and wrong" or "what is fair or just" then you will probably turn the problem into a family war not a problem between two people. After all, most of us want to protect the injured party and hold the perpetrator accountable. But unless there is a clear incident(s) where one party is responsible for the harm it often is a situation of "two different stories" about the events that have led to the problem. Be sure one party is responsible. Don't be quick to take a side. Always operate based on what you have observed not what you are told.

5. Although the best default is a neutral stance, there are times real issues (anger, alcoholism, abuse) are at the core of the problems. If this is the case--and you have personally experienced this--then tell it "like it is." Tell the person that you see these problems and hope that they will address them if they really want things to improve. Don't blame your opinion on the other party--none of this "you know they have a point." Own it as your own observation. You may get cut off but things don't improve if these behaviors are enabled. Have the courage to "do the right thing" gently even if it means you lose the relationship.

6. True or not. Healing begins with individuals taking as much accountability as possible for their own part in the conflict. Along the lines of: "While I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. Maybe my actions, when seen from your viewpoint, were, in fact, disrespectful." But it myst be authentic. If the party is not trying to see their part in the problem and focused on addressing that . . . then they are likely simply trying a gambit to move past the conflict while still blaming the other person. It rarely works. The other person may be fooled temporarily but we are really good generally at seeing the trends over time and the truth will leak out.

7. Rebuilding trust takes time . . . often, a long time . . . and you typically only get one chance. Don't blow it. I am often surprised by people who tell me that rebuilding the relationship is "the most important thing they want" and then I watch as they allow their frustration and anger to prevent any progress. They demand immediate reclamation of the relationship. They blame the other for not being willing to take risks on their preferred schedule. Often it's fear. The thinking often is, "If I don't make it happen now then it will never happen!". The hard thing is, they may be right. I ask them if the real goal is to "hang a plaque" saying "I tried everything I could but they wouldn't let me in!" or to increase the probability of having a relationship. Despite what they say, their actions will tell the story of what they really want. Think of this time as a "temporary sabbatical" and focus on "leaving the door cracked open" so a reunion is possible.

8. Finally, choose your advisors carefully! Make sure they have the expertise to help with family issues.  I just have to say a word about any advisors/mediators you use to help you in this reclamation project. They need to understand human systems at a deep level. Many, sadly, reenforce the blame game and may be unwilling or unaware of addressing deeper issues that keep the parties stuck. They need to be absolutely committed to the possibility of reconciliation but humble enough to know that even they cannot control the parties in the conflict--or guarantee the outcome of those parties.  If parties refuse to reconcile, the expert can help confirm and clarify the consequences of the choice and guide family members to keep this decision from turning the family life into a "world war." This may. at times, allow other family members the right to make a different choice. "I know you don't want to see our older/younger brother but I am not going to cut either of you out of my life." and help the family accept each person's right to choose.

The caller sounded hopeless about changing the siblings minds on going to court. He acknowledged that they should have done something "four years ago" and they might have avoided this estrangement. The end of the call came when the brother noted, "I'll talk to my other siblings, and call you back if we can do something, but I think it's gone too far to turn back." He went on to say that the court date had been set and he couldn't see them backing down to try something else at this point. When I contacted him later--not having heard back from him--it turned out that he was right. No one saw a way to "restart" the process and avoid court. 

Sadly, re-engagement with the family, in this case, may take a very long time; it is possible-maybe even likely-that it doesn't happen at all. I hope they are fortunate enough to het another chance. So, if you are facing threats to the family act now. Engage the problems. The old adage "the best defense is a good offense" applies. The best way to repair broken relationships in the family is to not let them get broken in the first place. But if they do, these tips can help maximize the opportunity to reconnect.

If you are a member of a family business, or interested in family business issues, feel free to download our free eBook: Family Legacy: Protecting family in family business.

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