Disappointment . . . and a Job Well Done

Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash

Disappointing Your Parents

I’ve been contemplating lately the role of disappointment . . . as a parent.

For example, I am sure some of the life choices my wife and I have made undoubtably were disappointments to our parents. Things like turning down jobs (several times) at the college where my parents worked for 51 years. Perhaps choosing to homeschool our six children. Maybe others. Fortunately, we were blessed with parents that have what behavioral health professionals call “good boundaries” —also what we used to call “minding your own business”—and any disappointments they may have felt were not passed on to us. Thank you Mom and Dad on both sides!

Being the Disappointed

Now, the “shoe is on the other foot.” I am the aging parent with adult children. My wife and I, recognizing the “gift” of not being burdened with our parents disappointments,* if any, are careful to not dump our emotional churning on our children. (Note to my children: No, none of you have “been disappointments” to us as parents. We remain, very blessed to have kids making great choices and doing great things with their lives.)

I bring this up to share the following . . . the very fact that your children make choices that disappoint you* may be an indicator that you have actually done a good job as a parent! Your children are independent. They are learning and growing. They are taking on the challenges of life. They make make mistakes, but who doesn’t? Well done.

Remembering Your Boundaries . . . Internally and Externally: An Example

An little aside: I like stories. They are great tutors. Whether great literature, oral history, or a pithy example . . . I used to love “Drama in Real Life” in Reader’s Digest. It was the first thing I read. So, I remember, and tell, stories. They help me understand and grow . . . here’s one of mine to, hopefully, help make the point and make it memorable for you. Incidentally, I asked my kid permission to share this . . . . (yes, I am making a point!)

One of my terrific kids was on the brink of making a decision that could have been tabled a “disappointment.” It started one day when he came to me and said, “Dad, I talked to my boss and he’s okay with my plan to leave the company and go to Denmark for a year.” He was nineteen. Nineteen! He also was a homeschooled kid and had never lived anywhere except in our home. In fact, I don’t know that he had ever been away from us for more than a day or two.

My mind raced . . . “WHAT! YOU TALKED TO YOUR BOSS BEFORE YOU TALKED TO US?” (I don’t know about you, but the voice in my head at these times feels often quite LOUD and worth of all caps!) “DENMARK, THAT”S CRAZY!” (my internal voice isn’t very reasonable either) “I THINK THIS IS ‘CAUSE THAT GIRL DUMPED YOU!” Fortunately, I’ve had a lot of practice and not spewing—as a human volcano—but recognize these as an indicator to “go cautiously.” Outwardly, I focused on asking questions and listening. “Why Denmark?” and “What would you be doing?” finally, “Do you know anyone in Denmark?” I told him, that I loved Europe (true) and enjoyed traveling and studying there as a young man. (also true) Then I basically shut up . . . and waited. For four . . . long, long . . . days.

After those four—did I mention “long?”—days, I broached the subject again. “Can I talk to you about the Denmark thing?” I asked. I reiterated what I had said earlier, essentially, that I loved Europe, thought traveling abroad is a great thing to do as a young person, and that I knew the final choice was his. (Note external boundary here—he was legally an adult.) I also told him that going to Denmark seemed like a big step and that I would like him to consider a smaller step first. I told him that his mother and I travelled, twice, to Europe but that we had each other, and even then we cut our second trip short (after two months) and came home. I reminded him that he had never lived on his own and I suggested some possible smaller steps.

Then . . . what seemed like a miracle . . . my son replied, “Well, I already decided, after we discussed it, that this was a mistake . . . and I should do something smaller. I’ve decided to travel around the Midwest and work on local farms.” (A movement, apparently, called WWOOFing.) My mind, already rejoicing with relief, laughed, thinking “We really didn’t discuss it. I simply let you talk.” I also noted to my surprise, “Wow my kid’s a lot smarter than I give him credit for!” A fact I never would have discovered if I unleashed my fear of being disappointed by the decision.

Boundaries are easy to talk about hard in practice.

Parents as Owners in Family Business . . . Beware!

If you are a family business owner, you need to engage in this same process . . . of separating from and allowing independence. Let the kids learn. Let them make choices. Support but don’t criticize. Turn over control. (No, really!) Become an advisor. Demonstrate good boundaries and an appropriate “distance” within the business. Be ready to step in as a safety net . . . but only with the consent of your kids . . . and not too soon (safety nets do not, after all, leap up to catch a tightrope walker do they?) . . . lest you rob them of the opportunity to overcome a real or perceived threat to the business, learn, and become strong leaders.

* In talking about disappointments, I am referring simply to choices. Choices that you, as a parent, may not agree are the best choices. I am not talking about ignoring potentially catastrophic decisions —such as addiction, criminal behavior, still living in the basement, or other life-altering and threatening choices. Too often, this requires a totally different set of actions . . . and more stringent boundaries as well.

Free Resource: Family Legacy: Protecting family in family business.

Cover of Family Legacy. Free Resource

Denial is Often Subtle . . . 3 Types of Denial

“Okay, it sounds like I’m the problem,” the CEO said. I was in a one-on-one meeting reviewing the aggregate results of our in-depth interviews with his leadership team before meeting with the larger group to work on creating action plans to address some issues in the organization. His voice sounded relaxed, matter-of-fact. I didn’t sense any defensiveness. I glanced at his face, no sarcasm, no guilt, no embarrassment. “What do you mean?” I asked, checking to make sure my observations were on point. “It sounds like I haven’t been really listening to the concerns of my senior leadership and I’ve been hanging on, too much, to what has worked in the past.” I felt myself relax. Here was a leader who wasn’t threatened, who was aware of his strengths and weaknesses, and who wouldn’t escape to some form of denial . . . it was a great sign, and an indicator that the consulting relationship had a high probability of making the organization better and, in fact, it proved to be true.

Photo by Akshar Dave on Unsplash

Leaders and Denial

If you were a “fly on the wall” watching my work with families and leaders over the past 30 years, you may have noticed a small, yet significant, pattern. A pattern of subtle . . . denial. Denial is not the same as ignorance—a “lack of knowing.” Instead, denial—in psychological terms— is a “poor coping-strategy” where the person denies what they actually know. Denial is a means of not accepting an uncomfortable truth. It creeps in, camouflaged in “normal speech,” in the smallest terms, in such words as “if, may, should, will, or possible.”

In business conversations you will hear it in statements like these . . .

“We really should talk about it, sometime.” (We are avoiding it.)

“We might be just kicking it down the road.” (You are.)

“I’ve been in business a long time and I know what works!” (I’m not willing to change.)

“If we really have a problem, it could be critical.” (You do, and you know it.)

“What the employees are doing doesn’t make sense.” (Because we don’t want to face the real issue.)

“When problems come up, we address them.” (Without considering why we have problems repetitively.)

“I’m pretty honest about my weaknesses as a leader.” (But employees view them as defensive, inflexible and demanding.)

“I think I do a pretty good job of communicating.” (However, employees don’t risk telling leaders their true thoughts because “no one listens.”)

“Our team is like a family.” (But, don’t ask me their kids names!)

“We know that employees will make mistakes.” (Yet, mistakes are hidden, lied about, or ignored—and are not harnessed to improve the team.)

Avoiding the Uncomfortable

For some, the denial is all about avoiding how they themselves,-or someone they care about,-will feel, in Family Businesses a comment, such as “I don’t want Mom to think we are trying to push her out.” Or “I don’t want it to seem like we don’t appreciate Dad’s vision and sacrifice—we wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for what Dad created,” are common examples. Core values the leader possesses can’t lead them to turn a “blind eye” to problems.

In other, venues it can be “soft-peddling” around key employees whose behavior is problematic. A supervisor with an anger issue. An absent senior executive. An owner who impedes operations due to their need for a sense of crises, or conversely, control . . . or one of a multitude of other presentations of difficult personnel situations.

Contradiction in Terms

At other times, the subtle denial may be seen in contradictory statements. “I love this organization” and “They can’t make me quit!” INo matter how much damage will result!) Or “I trust them to be in charge,” and “but, if they can’t do it right, I’ll have to take over.” (I don’t really trust them!) We want to harness employee’s creativity. (But we punish mistakes.) “This trend will pass.” (But the company made it’s mark by innovating.")

Contradictions are often noticed by other leaders. However, the means to address issues and produce changes often frustrates the best attempts to find a sustainable solution.

The denial, in these conditions, is likely only to get stronger in the face of direct confrontation. The leader simply insists that they are doing what is best for the organization. Yes, they believe it . . . and the opposition merely reinforces this belief. After all, who would go through the “attacks” they are getting if they didn’t love the organization? The contradictions, in a world of denial, make good logical sense. Operationally, they are the prelude to a an emerging crisis, if not a potential disaster.

It’s all too frequent . . . For example, leaders, with a talent for being innovators in their markets, fail to see the need to continue that innovation. Ford, the manufacturing pioneer, insisted that consumers only wanted “basic transportation,” stoped innovating, and allowed competitors (General Motors,etc.) to capture the market; IBM didn’t see the personal computer as the next step in leading the way in the industry it created; Xerox, Blockbuster, Polaroid, Yahoo, J.C. Penny, Sears, Blackberry, My Space, Radio Shack . . . all too frequent!

Forms of Denial

Denial can present in three primary ways:

1. Denying the facts: In this denial the leader argues that the problem, symptoms, behaviors or needs don’t really exist.

2. Minimizing/Rationalizing the problem: In the second type, the facts are acknowledged but there is a denial of the severity of the problem and/or there can be significant rationalization about why the problem exists (usually, not implicating any mistakes on the part of the leadership)

3. Short-sighted Focus: A third type of denial is an unwillingness to acknowledge the long-term consequences of the problems. Similar to the second type of denial, this is “future focused” denial. Seeing the problem as acute, a “phase,” or a fluctuation and not considering the consequences over type of the problems is denial.

Next Post: Denial is Acute . . . in Emotional Systems like Family Business

The forces that can lead to accepting the “smoke scene” of denial are particularly acute inmate “emotional systems” like non-profits, ecumenical organizations and family businesses.

Think of it like this, if you saw some teenager bullying a younger, or smaller, kid you would intervene, wouldn’t you? Calmly, assertively, you would step in, stop the bullying, and take whatever appropriate action was called for. Now . . . what if that kid was your son or daughter? How calm would you be?

Our free resources: Family Legacy: Protecting the family in family business.

Engaging Your Team: A framework for leading “difficult” people.

Benefits Discovered through Consulting

Why not “just do therapy?” It’s a question I used to get asked by graduate students working on degrees in mental health and who took my class on consulting.. “I have a low boredom threshold!” was my snappy repartee to this question. A more serious answer, however, is buried within that tongue-in-cheek response. While my students were a quiver with eagerness to begin their chosen career, I had been doing therapy for years and, although 25+ years in, I still love what I do in my private practice—it’s not the only thing I love to do; nor, do I want to simply do the same thing for the remained of my professional life. “Wash, rinse, and repeat” can be a dull rut. Eventually, those same students saw the benefits and their enthusiasm led me to publish my first book about our methods in 2011.

So, I think it is always a good thing to seek to grow and if that is in refining and mastering one specific area of expertise, fine. But it also can be moving on to master—of if not master in terms of being “better than anyone else”— or deliver quality products and services in new areas, developing new skills, and continue to learn.

For example, I have an acquaintance who takes the “master approach” to fine woodworking . . . and his work is exquisite. I commented to a friend about how my craftmanship was nowhere like his, and the friend responded, “Yes, but at least you get things done.” Fair point. He will build a few beautiful things. I will build lots of good things. With six children, one still home, and expecting our ninth grandchild, while working full time, maybe it is a trade-off that is necessary in my case—unlike my friend who is an “empty nester.”

Professionals who are happy doing their one thing, steadily improving on it over time, perfecting their craft . . . I am genuinely happy for you . . . and sometimes wonder if I should be more like you. But I’m not and, frankly, being that narrowly focused for years to my personality type would feel like—harkening back to the old westerns of the past— being buried up to your neck in the desert and left behind.

So, for those of us who value “getting things done” more than creating the flawless product and who want to continue to grow . . . even venturing into new areas . . . here is . . .

A list of experiences I have enjoyed about getting “beyond the couch” of therapy and into the world of consulting.

• Touring the Research & Development area of an international corporation. In the very first consulting work I was involved in, we worked with an international agricultural manufacturing company. This family-owned business is an industry leader and had 9 plants in the home location. As part of our tour, they showed us what they were working on for the future—it was like getting a peak behind the curtain at what Elon Mush was doing with Tesla.

• Learning about the needs of national utilities and how increase demand for power has led to sagging power lines Not being naturally “mechanically minded” and with limited education about engineering and physics (despite being a science major) We got to learn about the problems utilities face that are caused by increased demands for power (more current through the lines makes them sag.) and the very creative ways of offering solutions to avoid expensive interruptions of service and replacement.

• The progress made in cancer research and targeting of cancer-types with new medications. Learning about in-house research and the newer approaches to cancer treatment was an interesting side-benefit of one consulting gig.

• Lean Manufacturing, Just-in-Time stock management, and Kaizan. Again, our first gig with the agricultural firm intruduced us to some of the modern (at that time) approaches to inventory and manufacturing and how they were pragmatically implemented in a large organization.

• Different approaches to staffing, training, and supporting clergy working with local churches. Having worked with ecclesiastical organizations from many different traditions has been interesting in learning how they very in their approaches to their work with congregations, proving leadership and support, and deal with issues.

• Programs for supporting the provision of nutritious meals in government-supervised day care-senior services, etc. The work we have done with a number of non-profits, quasi-governmental bodies, or government programs has introduced us to the services and challenges of providing those services in venues operating on limited budgets and significant bureaucratic demands.

• Grant-funding for services in schools and non-profit organizations. I don’t consider myself a “grant-writer” still I have written, and received funding, for many grants. This process introduced us to the work of foundations, the methods they follow to try and address community-wide issues, and the challenges of “soft money” and creating sustainable projects through collaborative efforts.

• Narrative-based assessment of potential executive leadership hires. Hiring professionals and top leadership is always a challenge. Finding the right talent and someone whose performance mirrors their vitae/resume and interviewing skills is a demanding endeavor. While HSC does not specialize in this process, we have, due to our deep involvement with organizations been asked to sit in and help with this process in a few cases. Bringing our specialty . . . understanding people . . . to complement the organization’s business and technical skills has been rewarding.

• Team Training for Skill Building. Most leaders recognize the need for on-going training and skill building in their leadership. Too often that training is through ad-hoc external trainings chosen by the employees for their own idiosyncratic reasons (it is interesting, close to home, makes them more marketable) or provided in-house often by managers too busy with running the organization to devote significant time to develop the training to polished product. Wresting with the problem of leaders and employees needing to develop real skills has led us to develop, test, and implement trainings based on real skill development not just information and lecture. (This has been one area, training, where refining and repeating the trainings has led us to develop that master artisan approach by the way.)

Well, I hope that give the reader a little taste of the “side benefits” of becoming a consultant. Taking your knowledge and skills “on the road” allows you to help more people, can be refreshing work and a break from the heavy clinical focus for many professionals, and can increase your own potential for growing and learning about new industries, processes, and cultural changes operating all around you.

Other HSC Resources

Engaging Your Team: A framework for leading "difficult" people.

Lessons Learned Around the World: People-centered leadership,A. Keith Miller, Major, U.S. Airforce (Retired)

Family Legacy: Protecting family in family business.

Private Practice Contracting: A path away from insurance dependency.

Family Business . . . and . . . the DIY Problem

I love the concept of Do-It-Yourself or "DIY." After all, I come from the midwest. Farm country. The frontier. Pioneers. I know, first-hand, the value of challenging yourself, learning new skills, finding out just exactly what you can do on your own. As a family, we have cut our own DIY path in many ways--homeschooling our children, starting a business, running an acreage (we both grew up "in the city") and home-remodeling. It has been a great journey and I personally continue to "tilt" toward this framework.

But.

There are things I will not do. The accounting and taxes for my business. Legal filings. Retirement planning. Social media marketing. Graphic design. Plumbing. Why? Will get to that in a minute . . . 

Family Business owners are, in many ways, the very best of DIYers. If they were not comfortable with their own abilities--they would work for somebody else. Often they tend to like being in charge and are comfortable with looking to themselves to find answers. The successful ones have done this well. They are predisposed to "go it on their own" and take on tasks willingly.

Here’s my fall DIY. Building a second “greenhouse” more properly called a “high tunnel or hoop house.” BTW: This time, I did pay a pro to bring a Bob Cat and Auger to drill the holes.

Too often, however, Family Business owner's tendency to default to a DIY mode can become a "blind spot" that prevents them from seeing the times when an "outsider" would be an efficient and beneficial resource. 

Indications that you shouldn't DIY:

• if family unity is, or will be, compromised

• if figuring out how to deal with the issues will result in a poor outcome

• if the outcome you seek is more important than preserving your time and money

• if the situation is complex

• if you need to be personally involved in the process (rather than focused on managing it)

• if there are already signs of risk to the family or the business

So why don't I always go the DIY route? Simply because the outcomes are too important! Take for example, a few years ago I relied on an expert, and it is the reason that I am writing this blog post.

In short, I reached outside of my own DIY box. I purchased a book* on consulting with The Family Business (always trying to continue my own education!) The author, Janna Hoiberg, included information that was new and intriguing to me. It prompted me to ask myself a number of questions. I decided to send Janna an email asking for more information. She graciously replied, and the result was an offer to talk by phone. The phone call was very helpful. It answered a number of questions I had been considering for some time. Janna's experience and expertise provided, in a few minutes, what it might have taken me several months or years to learn on my own. 

So, step out of the DIY box . . . and leap forward!

*The Family Business: How to Be in Business with People You Love  . . . Without Hating Them