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Fear

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It's Halloween . . . and time to face the fears of 2020!

The locus of this fall’s fears . . . working with metal saws to build our new “hoop house.” (See below)

The locus of this fall’s fears . . . working with metal saws to build our new “hoop house.” (See below)

Halloween! So let’s talk about fear.

It’s Halloween. Or All-Hallows’-Eve if you prefer. Time for cute costumes, “haunted” houses, tricks, and a little good ‘ole fright. Public radio is playing spooky music (from Psycho) and reviewing the scariest movies. Parents are talking about their kid’s costume choices. All is abnormally normal. Maybe not exactly normal, after all, the Nationals won the World Series, but I digress.

I was on a video chat earlier this week with some professionals talking about contracting and consulting. I mentioned that I assumed when I started that other professionals were more comfortable than I was in acting as an entrepreneur and “putting themselves out there” doing marketing and sales, since I had no background in this area. But, it turns out, I was not that different from most professionals. Once again I was reminded of this as we talked as one prevalent theme I heard in the questions I was asked was . . . fear.

I told them that one of my biggest challenges when I started more than 20 years ago was getting through my own fears. Fear that I didn’t know enough yet, that I wouldn’t be able to find customers, that I would somehow fail. Building confidence, isn’t some big secret. But, somehow we believe the route to success is a lack of fear. No. Success isn’t convincing yourself that the fear is irrational—first, it’s not entirely irrational; and second, the part that is irrational—“catastrophic thinking”—can’t be fixed by reasoning. The person typically already knows that what they are facing is just fear and they themselves, and others as well, have already told them that their fear is irrational. What works is finding ways to successfully take reasonable “leaps of faith” and succeedi

Learning to Use the Saw

I use examples (like the metal chop saw above) to ask professionals I coach, what will make my fear of using this new, and potentially dangerous, tool diminish. Will it being reminding myself that I have used lots of other power tools? Being reassured that “it’s not that hard” and “I can do it?” Maybe watching You Tube videos of how to use the tool? Reading the manual?

All of these help, minimally. (Actually, reading the manual introduced new fears . . . like the blade cracking and flying apart) But these steps don’t drive away the fear. What does? Using the saw.

So, on this day of Goblins, Witches, and Fright, and as you prepare for 2020—embrace fear. Press forward. Focus on what comes after the fear (like the hoop house, see below) that will provide service and joy—not to mention revenue for my wife’s business—for many years.

Use what ever resources you need to help bolster your courage to take the next reasonable risk. In the end, it is highly likely that the benefits of your success will outweigh the terror of the moment.


Success! Here is one of the framed ends I built with the new saw. Kind of look forward to using it . . . now.

Success! Here is one of the framed ends I built with the new saw. Kind of look forward to using it . . . now.




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Disney or Pixar? Believing and Investing in You . . . (r) Career

Photo by Ross Findon on Unsplash

Photo by Ross Findon on Unsplash

Chasing Past Success . . . Leads to Failure

Do you want to be Disney or Pixar? (Yes, I know that Pixar is, now, once again, Disney. But hang on and you’ll I think you’ll see my point.) What am I implying in this comparison? Simply, that everyone makes a choice to either let the “industry” or the “dream” determine their professional path. There was a time where my view of these two companies was like this:

Disney was, in my view, playing it safe. They tightly controlled access to their products (still do), not allowing them to be readily available, and using “new” releases of their content to resell their most successful products, or they remake the popular products (over and over) to create new revenues—and for a time, created little new and interesting products. From a business viewpoint, leveraging their past successes was working—to some degree. But they seemed unaware of the losses they were experiencing through this operational stagnation—the “opportunity costs” of not growing and not capturing new markets. They were stagnant.These costs were exposed when employees left and created Pixar.

Pixar, comprised of employees who left Disney, on the other hand, believed in telling a great new story. They believed that creating a strong story and allowing their team the creative freedom to design the telling of that story would be compelling to their customers. The leaders wanted to create a more dynamic, supportive, team that would engage in finding new stories worth telling. They left Disney because of the constraints on their vision or creating a new process and new products. They found a new niche that exploded with customers for their products—and Disney, eventually, recognizing their missed opportunity—eventual bought them and brought them back into their company.

Fear. The longer I have been a professional, the more I recognize fear as being a primary roadblock for people in many areas of life. From the “narcissist” who will not admit to making mistakes, doesn’t apologize, and who dominates conversations to avoid feeling vulnerable or out of control to the “codependent” who will not stand up for their own best interests, accommodates to everyone else’s wishes and who may enable destructive behavior around them—fear is often one of the causal factors of this behavior.

I have no doubt that there was fear at Disney. What if we go to the expense of creating a new product and it fails? Better to “play it safe” with what we know works. Too often, leaders cling to the successes of the past and forget that the successes came from forging new paths. Disney, once the vanguard of something new, let the past—their own history within their industry—determine their orientation for the future. In a sense, the industry standard was now defining Disney. Not Pixar. Pixar wanted to reshape the industry. They wanted to return to a time when new stories, well told, and creative presentation would become the standard.

Fear and Change

In this blog, we’ve written about fear regularly, we’ve focused on the problems of management by fear. We’ve talked about the lies that people tell themselves to protect themselves and avoid unwanted fears, We’ve detailed the problems expressed by ego, trust, mistakes, or control. Finally, we talked about fear in transitions in family businesses. Fear is a powerful enemy. For many it promotes the prey mentality . . . “don’t move and maybe you’ll survive” . . . for other’s it promotes action . . . “keep moving or you might become lunch.” The best approach to fear is to recognize it but not let it “drive the bus.” Analyzing when it is an indicator of real threats or when it is just a conditioned response.

Professionals are no different than the leadership at Disney. The average professional is content to let the profession shape their practice. Right now, the losses due to “opportunity costs” are not particularly painful. Professionals can make a good living. Many over the course of their career dream about changes they would like to see in their professional practices (like no weekend or evening work, less paperwork, providingnmore educational groups, going entirely private pay, or offering a new type of service) but lack an understanding of the steps to reach their goals, do not have the proper supports, or are fearful of the perceived risks.

At one time in my career I joined a group of professionals whose goal was to support the work of private practitioners. I didn’t attend long. Why? Because, in my estimation, the group primarily focused on the fears the group members had of making a transition into private pay. I heard a lot of support for members but few “solutions” or guidance on how to get to a private pay model. Frankly, if I would have lived in that community it might have been worth while to continue but I decided the value wa not worth a commitment of half a day to attend (travel, meeting, and return trip). Hopefully, those who stayed got something they needed out of it.

Most professionals, in my experience, “go it alone” or with the support of a small set of colleagues, the support of a practice they join, or a mentor. They are limited by the experience, vision, and yes, even fears, of their circle of supporters. Many would benefit from getting outside their parochial environs and find support from coaches that have successfully traversed the path they want to take. Few will.

Approaching . . . cautiously . . . Changes to your practice

Taking risks by investing in one’s own career is often taken tentatively, if at all, by most professionals. They fearfully stop working weekends or cut back on their evenings. They drop an insurance provider with poor fees. The average practicianer will also, of course, attend trainings that they can see will directly help them in their career—a new technique (EMDR training), method of service delivery (Neurofeedback), or product (coaching)— but exploring the cutting edge of practice, new modalities of practice and the changing landscape of engaging professional services are paths chosen rarely, and only by the few.

So, as an example, the enterprising few have created on-line venues for providing counseling and coaching on-line (see, for example, PSYPACT). An increasing number fo professionals over time follow these explorers by joining and providing the services once the framework has been created. More, perhaps most, may take a “watch and wait” stance to see how new approaches “shake out” in the industry. Still others, wary of the ethical challenges, professional licensing limitations, and potential legal risks will not—unless compelled—engage in any way this new frontier of practice and may even question the motives, ethics, and professionalism of those who do. Yet, at it’s very core, it is a change, either good or bad, that is happening and that is unlikely to be stopped, in my opinion, unless it is addressed through regulation on a national level.

No, a professional should never practice in a way they deem to be unethical, of dubious benefit to clients, or out of their scope of expertise. But . . . that doesn’t mean that professionals have to limit themselves to the constraints of the past either. The profession has always changed and grown. From it’s roots in neurology, to the application of psychological principles in industry, to the application to artificial intelligence, the field will continue to evolve. Professional vision and the opportunities they cease will lead the movement. Will you be in your career? Part of the vanguard, scouting out new territory? Perhaps, preferring the safety of journeying among peers positioning yourself firmly in the group? Or, perhaps, the trailing the pack and holding on to the past territory?

This week, I got an email from a professional who is taking part in our Leading Edge Coaching**. We had to delay our meeting but she noted that she has a new contract and couldn’t wait to tell me about it. Good for her! She is courageously moving toward her preferred future and finding that it is possible.

**Leading Edge Coaching (LEC) is our process to provide specially-tailored coaching to a limited number of professionals who want to add contracting and consulting to their “toolbox” of services. Coaching is a monthly one-on-one with Bryan G. Miller, Ph.D.—with most of the work carried out between coaching sessions to keep the cost minimal. The goal of LEC is to help professionals to get their first contract within 6-9 months or expand their current contracts. Space is limited to protect the quality of the service. For further information or to request a spot in our 2020—or beyond—coaching cohort contact us. We promise that there will never be any pressure and all services are provided on an unconditional money back guarantee.

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Two Factors in the Erosion of Relationship

Photo by Topich on Unsplash

Photo by Topich on Unsplash

A friend recently reminded me of the work of Kerry Patterson and the defining work "Crucial Conversations: Tools for talking when stakes are high," a good general introduction for those who have not been accustomed to working in environments where high emotion and the need for good communication commingle.

This is the environment however that you work in every day if you have engaged with individuals and groups as a human systems consultant. Whether it is a family-based business, a non-profit, or a conflict resolution situation the emotion can make having productive communication very difficult. People "walk on egg shells," avoid conversations, or try and use external controls to prevent further damage. Seldom does it work.

At its core, there is often one of two factors at play. One is a paralyzation due to the fear of losing the relationship. The other is an attempt to control the situation to prevent further damage. Neither one helps the core relationship to grow and strengthen. 

A classic example of the fear motivation is the old story of the "emperor's new clothes." You know the story, the emperor is bamboozled into walking around naked having been "sold" and invisible suit. everyone praises the suit, afraid to tell the emperor the truth until, a child, states the obvious and ends the embarrassing charade.

Many people walk in fear of being truthful. 

The second, is attempting to control a situation to prevent harm. I am always reminded on the executive who refused to leave the room when the executive council wanted to talk about his job performance or wages stating, "Nothing good ever happens when I am out of the room!" His attempt to control a situation which had caused a lot of hurt only exacerbated the problem. Frequently people in relationships struggles ask me--often in subtle ways--"How can I get in control of  this situation?" Often the truthful answer is simply, "You can't."

In my example, the goal was clear, the attempt was to control the team to enable trust and prevent further conflict. It wasn't working. I pointed out that the behavior was sending a strong message of his lack of trust for his team and one that may have been a strong indicator that his influence was already heavily damaged.

There is a "siren's call" to give into fear and control. They both, in their own ways, seem like a path to safety. In reality, they have a negative effect on relationships. Fear breeds mistrust, impulsive, reactionary responses to perceived threats. Control breeds resentment, suspicion, rebellion, antagonism, and conflict.

Honest, relationship building, conversations only happen in a safe environment where one or both parties can maintain a non-anxious presence and humbly work toward a solution or mutual respect in disagreement. Anything less is likely to be a bandaid on a festering wound.

 

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